As I reflect back on these last two months of my life I realize one thing and as cliché as it may sound it’s the complete truth; My God loves me, He is madly in love with me. There were so many times where my life and health were in danger and I was convinced that the devil had this one planned out ready to take me out! He studied me, researched my likes, my dislikes, my weaknesses, my strengths, my friends, my family, my loved ones, personal relationships and used them all against me. He knew how much I loved, how much I was willing to give myself to others to make them happy, he used that too. One of my biggest fears is rejection and the idiot used that too. I felt alone, abandoned and lost. I prayed but I got no answers, I cried out to the Savior every night on my bedroom floor, begging and pleading with Him to save me, to rescue me, to be my refuge. Answer Me! I yelled but He didn’t. I was so mad at Him. I compared Him to everyone else that left me; You’re just like them! You don’t love me for real I told Him. What did I ever do to deserve this?!!
The pain was felt deep in my soul, so much that it made me nauseous. Hurt so bad that it made me sick, I began to lose weight and my hair started to fall out. There were many nights where I’d cry and yell into my pillow so that no one would hear me, times I’d purposely surround myself with people who were totally obsessed with me to try and convince myself that I was ok. But I wasn’t and no one knew. I didn’t tell a soul. I faked a smile for months, lied about how I really felt and did my best to “play happy”. But I wasn’t.
I tried everything to fill the void, the emptiness, the lack — but nothing was helping. All along God was saying, “Melissa, I’m here, cling to me” but I shut Him out, muted His voice and replaced it with mine. I decided that I was better at controlling my life than God because He just wasn’t coming through. I ran my life. I followed my path, gave myself direction, had faith in me. My head was big, my pride was so high that I convinced myself that “Life was Good” – but it wasn’t. The amount of grief and sorrow running through my body, my veins and soul started to get a bit overwhelming. In the morning Id stare at myself in the mirror and look for what it is about me that I loved so much but always came up empty. “I am ugly” “I am stupid” “I’m unworthy” not valuable and my life is a mess. Who would want me? Who’d want to be my friend? Wife? That’s out of the picture, I’ve devalued myself to the point of no return. Mother? Yea right, my kids would be ashamed of my past. Author? Doubt that! Who wants to read about what I have to say? Who wants to listen to the “Jacked Up Girl”? — I convinced myself that I was a lost cause. But what I failed to realize that the only reason why I was feeling the way I did was because I was relying on me to get me through instead of relying on God. I didn’t want to be “The Depressed Christian”. I couldn’t tell anyone because it’ll make God look bad. (Sigh) I was so confused (obviously) —
As I was taking a bath one night, a small still voice said, “Trust me”. In that moment I began to cry in the shower and could care less about who heard me (luckily I was home alone lol) – I got out of the shower, went into my room, sat on the edge of the bed and began to think. I wanted to pray but I felt like God was mad at me, felt so ashamed and embarrassed to even call on the ONE who I turned my back on, THE ONE I said I didn’t need. But I went for it anyway. My first words brought me to tears “I’m Sorry God, please forgive me” – I sat there and just cried for an hour and a half, had no more tears left by the time I was done. I told Him everything. How I felt, what I did, how mad He made me and how bad I had been. I talked and talked and talked and his reply was simple and soft.. But powerful “You are Mine” ——————— After all I had done, basically curse His name, I was STILL His. Wow!
I would love to tell you that I lived “Happily Ever After” after that but that’s not how it works exactly. You see, life is all about Up’s and Downs. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the poetic, the unruly, but please be reminded that God NEVER leaves even when you push Him away. I kept asking God, “Why Me”? — But the real question was why not me? Maybe He trusted me that much to endure such pain. Through it all I came out victorious. I still go through trials, I still go through tribulations, I still get sidetracked, I still get tempted, I still fall, I still sin and believe it or not im still jacked up… But He’s still there! Loving me through it all and reminding me that I’m Still His 🙂
Note to readers: No matter what, always rely on God. He is waiting on you with open arms to love you more than ever. Your sin can NEVER out do grace. I love you all.