Still His Girl

As I reflect back on these last two months of my life I realize one thing and as cliché as it may sound it’s the complete truth; My God loves me, He is madly in love with me. There were so many times where my life and health were in danger and I was convinced that the devil had this one planned out ready to take me out! He studied me, researched my likes, my dislikes, my weaknesses, my strengths, my friends, my family, my loved ones, personal relationships and used them all against me. He knew how much I loved, how much I was willing to give myself to others to make them happy, he used that too. One of my biggest fears is rejection and the idiot used that too. I felt alone, abandoned and lost. I prayed but I got no answers, I cried out to the Savior every night on my bedroom floor, begging and pleading with Him to save me, to rescue me, to be my refuge. Answer Me! I yelled but He didn’t. I was so mad at Him. I compared Him to everyone else that left me; You’re just like them! You don’t love me for real I told Him. What did I ever do to deserve this?!!
The pain was felt deep in my soul, so much that it made me nauseous. Hurt so bad that it made me sick, I began to lose weight and my hair started to fall out. There were many nights where I’d cry and yell into my pillow so that no one would hear me, times I’d purposely surround myself with people who were totally obsessed with me to try and convince myself that I was ok. But I wasn’t and no one knew. I didn’t tell a soul. I faked a smile for months, lied about how I really felt and did my best to “play happy”. But I wasn’t.

I tried everything to fill the void, the emptiness, the lack — but nothing was helping. All along God was saying, “Melissa, I’m here, cling to me” but I shut Him out, muted His voice and replaced it with mine. I decided that I was better at controlling my life than God because He just wasn’t coming through. I ran my life. I followed my path, gave myself direction, had faith in me. My head was big, my pride was so high that I convinced myself that “Life was Good” – but it wasn’t. The amount of grief and sorrow running through my body, my veins and soul started to get a bit overwhelming. In the morning Id stare at myself in the mirror and look for what it is about me that I loved so much but always came up empty. “I am ugly” “I am stupid” “I’m unworthy” not valuable and my life is a mess. Who would want me? Who’d want to be my friend? Wife? That’s out of the picture, I’ve devalued myself to the point of no return. Mother? Yea right, my kids would be ashamed of my past. Author? Doubt that! Who wants to read about what I have to say? Who wants to listen to the “Jacked Up Girl”? — I convinced myself that I was a lost cause. But what I failed to realize that the only reason why I was feeling the way I did was because I was relying on me to get me through instead of relying on God. I didn’t want to be “The Depressed Christian”. I couldn’t tell anyone because it’ll make God look bad. (Sigh) I was so confused (obviously) —

As I was taking a bath one night, a small still voice said, “Trust me”. In that moment I began to cry in the shower and could care less about who heard me (luckily I was home alone lol) – I got out of the shower, went into my room, sat on the edge of the bed and began to think. I wanted to pray but I felt like God was mad at me, felt so ashamed and embarrassed to even call on the ONE who I turned my back on, THE ONE I said I didn’t need. But I went for it anyway. My first words brought me to tears “I’m Sorry God, please forgive me” – I sat there and just cried for an hour and a half, had no more tears left by the time I was done. I told Him everything. How I felt, what I did, how mad He made me and how bad I had been. I talked and talked and talked and his reply was simple and soft.. But powerful “You are Mine” ——————— After all I had done, basically curse His name, I was STILL His. Wow!

I would love to tell you that I lived “Happily Ever After” after that but that’s not how it works exactly. You see, life is all about Up’s and Downs. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the poetic, the unruly, but please be reminded that God NEVER leaves even when you push Him away. I kept asking God, “Why Me”? — But the real question was why not me? Maybe He trusted me that much to endure such pain. Through it all I came out victorious. I still go through trials, I still go through tribulations, I still get sidetracked, I still get tempted, I still fall, I still sin and believe it or not im still jacked up… But He’s still there! Loving me through it all and reminding me that I’m Still His 🙂

Note to readers: No matter what, always rely on God. He is waiting on you with open arms to love you more than ever. Your sin can NEVER out do grace. I love you all.

Love
Mellie King

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The “F” Word

For the last past two weeks I’ve been really contemplating about what I should post about next and I’ve been so stuck. My mind has been blank lately and it’s because I have allowed negativity to cloud my membrane. It’s true what they say; “Be very careful of who you let pour into your life to give you advice cause it can poison you”. With that being said, let us focus on this very sensitive word, my favorite ‘F’ word; FRIENDS

One thing I can say about me is that I am very outspoken. I love to joke around, make people laugh and just have a good time. I’m that way with everyone whether we are close or not. I can make my enemy feel like we’re BFF’s without giving them my heart (It’s a gift and a curse). But I am very careful about who I call my friend. Ask yourself, what exactly is a friend? Well according to the dictionary;

friend
[frend]
noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; supporter; patron.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile

All that is true, but I feel as if a friend is more than that. You’re my friend if you can love me in my moments of being difficult, annoying, troubling, hard headed, and everything that may not be perfect about me. You’re only my friend if people don’t feel comfortable talking to you about me because they know you’ll always have my back whether I was wrong or right. You can only call me your friend if you can come to me and give me true and genuine advice without holding back, being completely honest and being completely comfortable in telling me I was way out of line when I get out of character. Love me for who I am and not try and change me. Encourage me, listen whenever I want to talk your ear off, defend me, let me cry and be angry. Don’t judge me, I’m human and there are times where I can sound like a filthy sailor when I get really mad.

I’m so tired of people acting as if they’re my friends just to get information out of me, people telling me to be careful but not telling me what to watch out for because they don’t want to be a snitch. It makes me giggle when girls will ask questions just to find out if I’ve been hanging with their ex boyfriends or try to find out who I’m dating. You’re not my friend. When is my birthday? What is my favorite color? What do I like to eat? What makes me happy? How many siblings do I have? – Listen carefully, I owe my loyalty to no one except to those I am loyal to. Working together, serving, laughing, joking around, going out to eat does not make us friends, it makes us people who know one another. This post may rub some people the wrong way but lately I have been really silent about how I feel and I have allowed people to do as they please, but in the words of Beyonce “being polite to other people’s opinions, isn’t being fair to myself”.

I’m not a mean person, I promise! I’m actually really nice, but I believe in guarding my heart. We can chill hangout, laugh and have a good time together but that is not me giving you permission to creep your way in my personal life. If you don’t know where I work, who I’m dating, who I hang out with its only because I want it like that.

So in conclusion to all this, I want everyone to know that it is not okay for you to do what you please in other people’s lives. Its either you’re a friend or you’re not. Those who my loyalty lies with know exactly who they are, so if you’re not sure then maybe we aren’t friends after all

Psalm 101: 6 – I will search for faithful people to be my companions

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Stupid In Love

*Alarm goes off*

I open my eyes and turn over.

Baby wake up, your phone is going off, I say.
He moans and groans from the sound of my voice because of the hangover he has from getting extremely drunk the night before. So I got up to turn the alarm off, but something told me to look through his phone. I didn’t know the pass code so I began to type random numbers. After three tries of getting it wrong I typed in his favorite numbers 1122 and it was like heavens gate opened. I was in. My heart began to beat a tad bit faster then usual as I scrolled through his text messages and saw a familiar name (his ex girlfriend). I swallowed really hard before clicking. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

I didn’t know what hurt more, The “I Love You” The “I miss you” or the “Had fun last night”.

I wasn’t done investigating though, I needed more proof. I went through his gallery and found naked pictures of him and her together and I was livid! I looked over to where he was sleeping and just stared at him while tears rolled down my eyes.

I’m done, I thought.

I put one of the pictures as his screen saver and began to pack my bags. As I finished, I woke him up.
Here’s Your Phone, I’m done with you.

I didn’t have a car or a ride but I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible so I decided to walk home.

Not even a block away I heard a loud voice call my name, Melissa!

It was him running towards me with just his boxers on. I picked up the pace but he was faster then me.
When he finally got close enough he said “Melissa get back in the house”!
No! You’re a liar and a cheater! All you ever do is lie! I said
Get away from me!

He grabbed my arm
I pulled away

What happens next is still kind of a blur

I was wearing my green Gilly Hicks hoodie.

He grabbed the hoodie part and pulled it over my head and twisted it and then he began to drag me in the middle of the street back to his house. I began to kick and scream but the louder I got, the tighter his grip on my hoodie got and I started to choke. I made a conscious decision to stay calm. As he dragged me I could hear his friends in the neighborhood that were standing outside laughing and I was so embarrassed!
I allowed him to drag me because I didn’t want him to hurt me in front of everyone.

Someone would of called the cops, and at that time I wanted to protect him. I didn’t want him going to jail even while he was hurting me. Crazy Huh?

As soon as we step foot in the house, something in my head clicked and I decided to fight back!

I started to punch, kick, scream, scratch, spit and bite.
I was fighting for my life.

He tried his best to restrain me but I just wouldn’t stop moving so he pushed me against the wall and we both ended up falling on the ground where I went head first.

My head hit the ground so hard that my ears started to ring but I didn’t stop fighting.

He finally got a grip on me and yelled “Melissa Stop! I Love You!

When those words came out his mouth, I looked up at him and began to sob loudly. He held me in his arms as I cried, walked me to the bathroom, washed my face and told me to go back to the room. Before I turned to go, I remember looking back at him and tears were rolling down his eyes. He had blood all over his arms and neck from me scratching and biting.
I love you, I said and went into the room.

I laid in the bed with bloody nails, messy hair and sweaty palms trying to let what just happen settle in. I began to weep so bitterly. I was angry, sad, hurt and confused so I pulled out my note pad and pen and began to write:

I have to ask
If I don’t I’ll end up driving myself insane.
Why?
Why am I going through this?
The pain is unbearable.
My Heart can not bear with the pressure.
I thought my season for heartbreak was over
Thought something new and refreshing was upon me.
Maybe it’s me
Maybe I’m the reason why he does this to me.
Is it cause I’m short?
Is it cause my hair isn’t long enough?
What is it?
I mean everyone has flaws right?
And I deal with others imperfections so well.
Why cant he accept me for who I am?
I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on my worst enemy!
Sometimes I wish I didn’t love the way I do!
I love so hard!
So dangerously!
So crazy! So Strong!
It’s like I’m fearless!
Like I’m not afraid of love.
But love keeps hurting me and the more it hurts me the more I pursue it.
Pursue it as if its done nothing wrong to me.
Pursue it like I have no recollection of how it mistreated me before.
– Melissa

I closed my notepad, closed my eyes and fell asleep. I never left

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